


Olivia and Kaidan: A Mess of One Shots

by maccreadys



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5973106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maccreadys/pseuds/maccreadys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just a collection of things i've written about my two favorite children, hopefully in some kind of order. but, it'll say in the summary what point in the game it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How It All Began

Olivia sometimes couldn’t make it two feet without someone recognizing the great Commander Shepard, and it didn’t help that the news was still talking about her mission on Akuze as if it happened yesterday. She bought a red scarf and a leather jacket from a store on the Citadel and figured if anything, a somewhat disguise should help her have a real night to herself. This was her last night alone before she had to report to the Normandy. She needed time to herself before having to deal with a new crew for God only knows how long.

Before going into Flux, she put on the jacket and scarf. She tied her hair back in a loose ponytail. _Let’s hope looking like a normal person works as a disguise._

She sat at the bar for almost an hour before someone came and sat next to her. _Oh god here we go._ To her surprise, he didn’t say anything to her. He ordered a drink. Something about Canadian lager? She’s surprised they even have that here. She got a good look at his face, and _holy shit he’s attracti-_

His voice shocked her out her thoughts, and made her jump. “Why are you staring at me?”

“What?”

“I said-“

“No, sorry. I just-“ she could feel her cheeks turning red. _Change the subject, moron._ “My name’s Olivia. What’s yours?”

“Kaidan.” He said simply. He looked at her for a moment. “You don’t seem like the type to just be on the Citadel. What brings you here?”

She couldn’t believe it: he didn’t recognize her. It wasn’t even that dark in here, and her disguise definitely wasn’t a good one. All she did was put on regular clothes, how could that possibly work? Maybe not all people know what she looks like… sure, the news talks about her all the time, but is her face plastered on it too?

“Visiting a friend. Well, not at the moment. She’ll be here tomorrow.” _That wasn’t exactly a lie, right? Oh, who cares? It’s not like I’ll ever see this guy again._

“Hm, and you’re spending your night at a bar alone?”

“Well I did say she’s not here yet.”

He shrugged. “Fair enough.”

“And what brings you to the Citadel, Kaidan?”

“The ship I’m on is stationed here until tomorrow, actually.”

“And you’re spending your last night alone at a bar?”

“Well, not I’m not exactly alone now. Am I?”

She smiled. “Fair enough.” 

They shared stories. A few she made up, which she couldn’t believe that she did. She was a great liar apparently, who knew? He told stories about his family. She wished she could have shared some about hers, too bad she has no idea who they are.

She felt… something with Kaidan. Some kind of connection, maybe even a spark. She couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but something about him made him extremely intriguing. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t know who she was. She finally could talk to him and not worry about what he might think. She didn’t feel weird acting like herself.

After a few more drinks she was starting to feel tipsy. Not as bad as it could be, but she stopped anyway. The first day of a new “job” wouldn’t be that great with a hangover.

She watched Kaidan finish drink after drink. She was in awe; it was barely affecting him. Even though she’s a biotic, there’s no way she could drink that much and be fine. “How are you doing that?”

He put down his glass. “Excuse me?”

“You’re drinking that like it’s water. How are you not hammered already?”

“I’m a biotic. Messes with… ya know” he gestured at his body. She could tell he didn’t want to explain the science behind it, and she couldn’t blame him really. She would hate it too.

She laughed. “Yeah, I do actually. One of my friends is a biotic. Although, I’m pretty sure she could out drink you no problem.” She teased.

“Really?”

She sighed. “Please don’t take that as a challenge. I don’t want to have to explain to your C.O. why you’re drunk if anything gets fucked up.”

“You don’t actually know her record, do you?”

“No, but that’s not the point! I don’t need to be responsible of a blubbering idiot later. I already have me to deal with.”

“As if you’re a blubbering idiot, you look quite capable.”

That took her back. She wasn’t used to getting regular compliments. Praise on her ways of combat, sure, but compliments on her looks? She couldn’t even remember the last time she got one. “I… thank you?”

“Sorry it just-“

“Don’t be. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.” She paused. “I could compliment you back, ya know, so we’re even.”

“I mean, you could if you wanted to. It certainly wouldn’t hurt my ego.”

“You? An ego? You don’t seem like the type to have a huge ego.”

“Is that your compliment? It kind of sucks.”

“No, I-“ she sighed. “I think you’re quite attractive. Ya know, for an alliance solider.”

“‘For an alliance soldier’? I never said I was an alliance soldier.”

“You’re wearing the casual clothes for a soldier, I just assumed… besides, you said you were stationed here, I-“ She was rambling. Her cheeks started burning. Please don’t tell me I fucked this up.

He started laughing.

“What?”

“I can’t believe I made you all flustered. It’s adorable.”

She covered her face with her hands. “You’re not helping”

He laughed a little more. “I am in the alliance, by the way.”

She turned toward him and gasped. “Then why did you make it seem like I was being an ass?” she lowered her voice, “rude.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” She noticed a bit of sarcasm in his voice. Ass.

She crossed her arms against her chest and glared at him.

He looked at her with big puppy eyes. “Come on, Olivia.” _Fuck, I can’t say no to that face._

“Oh, god damn it.” she slapped his shoulder. “You can’t just throw puppy eyes at me! That’s not fair!”

“Hm, whatever. It worked.”

She looked around, and much to her surprise, most of the people were gone. She didn’t care to look at the time. At this rate, she knew she wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. “Do you want to go up to the presidium? I hear it has the nicest views.”

“You’ve never been up there before?”

She shook her head.

“Well then I guess we’re going then.”

The presidium was a lot bigger than she expected. Whenever she was on the citadel, she was forced to stay in the wards, because she never had any business going up there. It was amazing, one of the nicest places she’s ever been to. It did weird her out that it was still daytime here, though. There must be some kind of weird day-night cycle.

They walked around for what seemed like forever. The place was huge. She wasn’t even sure she got to see everything. Although, she didn’t really care about the sights at this point. She was more interested in Kaidan. But, the beauty of everything did take her back a bit. She stopped and looked around. “Oh my god.”

Kaidan didn’t realize she wasn’t next to him anymore until she spoke. He turned around and walked back to her side. “What is it?”

“I just… it’s so amazing up here. Its absolutely beautiful.”

“Yeah it is.”

She looked over at him and realized he was looking at her. He turned away, and started to walk again.

She smiled. “You did not just pull that shit.” She laughed a little. “It’s a good thing we’ll never see each other again, because if this was a date, I so would have punched you.”

He stopped and turned around. “So this isn’t our first date then?” he was trying to play off that he wasn’t embarrassed. She could tell that much.

“You say that like you’re not going back to playing hero tomorrow.”

“Is that really what you think of the alliance?”

She started to walk toward him. “Am I wrong?”

“Yes, we-“

“Protect people? Save people? Right the wrongs of the galaxy? Sounds like a bunch of real life heroes to me… not that it’s a bad thing.” She was standing right in front of him again. “Most heroes are kind of hot.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes.

She needed to change the subject. Too much alliance talk would end up biting her in the ass. “So do you really think this would be our first date? As if we’ll ever see each other again?”

“I mean, anything’s possible. Where are you from?”

“Earth…”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’ll have to be more specific than that.”

“Vancouver…”

His eyes widened. “You’re kidding!”

She didn’t say anything.

“I’m from Vancouver, too!” He sounded so excited; it was actually kind of adorable.

“Really? Well that’s… amazing. We’ll have to meet up next time you have shore leave there.”

“Yeah, we should. I- I should probably go back. We’re leaving in less than 12 hours. I need to get some sleep.”

“I probably should too. Falling asleep on my friend wouldn’t be the best welcoming gift.” She paused. “Hey, Kaidan?”

“Yeah?”

“I know this may sound weird… but I’m really glad I met you tonight. It was nice to finally not feel and _be_ alone.”

“I know the feeling. I’m glad I met you, too, Olivia.”

She hugged him. “Really, _thank you._ ”

He smiled. “Anytime.”

She stepped back from the hug and looked up at him. She couldn’t help but notice the smile on his face. It was… genuine. It seemed like he hadn’t been this happy in a long time. And honestly, she felt the same way. It was nice to be a normal person, talking to someone without the awkward “you’re the famous Commander Shepard I don’t know what to do” in the air. She just wished she could make him a part of her life, but she knew that was impossible.

She kissed his cheek. “Goodbye, Kaidan. Be careful out there.”

He still had that smile on his face. “You, too, Olivia. I’ll see you soon.”

They parted ways. This was probably- no it was the best night of her life. Most of it was a lie, and she hated it, but Kaidan… she hoped and she prayed that she’d run into him again. Kaidan being part of it made up for the fact that she lied. She just wanted to see him again just so she could tell him the truth. Though, she regrets not telling him the truth in the first place. But what if that ruined the spark? What if he stiffened up, shut her out? Maybe it was better this way…


	2. How It All Began (part 2)

Olivia didn’t get even a second of sleep. She could keep her mind off of Kaidan. She really felt a connection with him. And even being from the same place, she knew she couldn’t let herself see him again. She completely lied about who she was. Once he finds out, because he will, it’ll ruin everything they had. Even if all they had was long, not so drunken night together. That morning, she sent her stuff to the Normandy before her. She would rather that she just had to remember herself and nothing else. She can’t remember shit when she has a decent amount of sleep, it’s ten times worse when she hasn’t slept.

Captain Anderson was briefing her on what the mission would be. She kept zoning out. She heard… something about Protheans? Some kind of ruin, probably. She should probably be listening, and she knows that. But, the only thing on her mind at this point was sleep.

“Commander, are you okay?”

“What? I-uh, yeah. I didn’t sleep well last night, sorry, sir.”

“Well, don’t make a habit of it. Good thing there’s still a few days until we actually go to Eden Prime. You can catch up on your sleep.”

“Right. Yes, sir.”

They were standing outside the walkway to the Normandy airlock. She couldn’t believe how huge this ship was. Sure, she’s seen her fair share of ships, but this… this is amazing. This was better than anything she could have ever dreamed of.

Anderson gave her a tour of the ship, meeting the crew in the process. Everyone seemed pretty nice. Not that she was surprised, though. The ship was… nothing like she expected. She couldn’t believe they allowed her to serve here. Hopefully I don’t break anything.

The last person she met was… well, definitely not who she’d expect to see here.

“Commander Shepard, this is Staff Lieutenant K-“

She looked at the person standing in front of her. Then she realized. It was Kaidan. The same Kaidan she thought she’d never see again. She whispered, “oh my god.”

Kaidan was standing there with his arms crossed against his chest. He looked angry, really angry. Could she blame him though? She’d be angry, too. Hell, she _is_ angry. She never should have lied. She never should have. But she did, so there’s no taking it back now, no matter how much she wants to.

Anderson looked at the both of them. “Do you two know each other?”

Kaidan looked at her and raised his eyebrows. His expression said well, are you gonna tell him? And no. She wasn’t.

She shook her head. She stayed quiet; she couldn’t come up with a story this time.

“Alright, well. The tour’s done, Commander. I’ll be in my room if you need anything.”

Once Anderson was gone, all Kaidan muttered was “we’re not talking about this here, come on.”

She followed him into the med bay. He spoke to the doctor (what was her name, again? she couldn’t remember). Olivia’s mind was racing, and couldn’t focus on what they were talking about. She noticed Kaidan walking to the door on the other side of the room, and she followed.

The door shut behind her. They were standing in the room alone, and she was just waiting for it. He was going to scream, yell, and be furious at the fact that she lied to him. She didn’t know what she was going to tell him. The truth, that’s all she knew at this point. But what was the truth?

“Are you fucking kidding me?” was the first thing he spat. He didn’t even yell. And honestly, that scared her more than if he yelled. “You lied about who you are. Why would you… what makes you think that’s okay?”

“Kaidan, I can explain.”

He sat down and crossed his arms over his chest. “I have to hear this.” 

“Wait, you-you’re going to let me explain?” She was shocked… just from the look on his face when he saw her, she thought that was it. He was going to yell and then just storm off. That’s usually how people fought with her. They thought she wasn’t even worth the time. She never got to explain herself.

He looked confused by that question. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I-never mind about that. I just… I needed time to myself. Could you believe that no matter where I went someone recognized me? Or there would be someone whispering ‘is that Commander Shepard?’ or ‘oh my god, that’s Commander Shepard!’ and I may sound like an ass for saying this, but I hate it. I hate being the center of attention now. I much rather it go back to the way it was before, when I was just a regular soldier with a shit life. I don’t want people knowing who I am. I don’t want people to want to talk to me just because I’m Commander Shepard. I want people to talk to me, not this figure that gets exploited. I wanted to hide, all right? I wanted… I just wanted to be invisible again. I wanted to be normal. So yes, I hid behind a shitty disguise for a night, sue me.”

That was way too much for her to say. She didn’t want him thinking she was some kind of raving idiot, but once she started talking, she couldn’t stop. It wasn’t quite rambling, more word vomit. She hasn’t gotten the chance to tell anyone what she felt about being “famous.” Hell, there wasn’t anyone to tell. She didn’t really have anyone close enough to her to vent to, and she liked it that way. But something about Kaidan made her think she could trust him, and hopefully she was right.

She didn’t realize that she started crying. God, she hated when she cried. She hated how weak it made her look, how vulnerable it made her. She wiped the tears from her face, and hoped Kaidan didn’t see them. She kept her head down. She felt defeated. Here she was standing in front of a(n almost) complete stranger, and she was ranting and crying. What a great start.

She didn’t notice when he stood up, but his feet came into view. She looked up and he was standing in front of her again. “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t even think of that.” He was still angry; she could see that just by the way he was standing. She just hoped he understood why she did it, that’s all she wanted. She didn’t care if he was necessarily okay with it, but if he understood… he could get over it, look past it, maybe.

She looked up at him, “are you still mad?”

“Of course I am, I just-“ he took a deep breath. “I understand why you did it. I wish you didn’t. But I understand.”

She let out a huge sigh of relief. “That’s all I ask for.” She paused. “Are we… okay?”

He smiled. “We will be. Talk you later, _Commander_.” He walked out of the room. 

She whispered, “I’d like that.”


	3. The Six Times She Didn't And The Time She Finally Did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> liv tries really, really hard to tell kaidan everything and well... she's not exactly the best with words

#1: 

_Kaidan,_

_I know it’s been two years. though, I didn’t know that until i woke up a few days ago. I have a lot I need to explain to you. I want to explain in it person, but I don’t know if i’ll be able to. So here goes nothing:_

_Cerberus rebuilt me. how, I have no idea, but I died the day the Normandy went down. Somehow, they found me and brought me back to life. All I know is that we’re trying to stop the collectors, and that’s probably all they’ll tell me._

_I know I can’t trust them, and I won’t. But… I can’t not help. There are innocent people out there being taken and I have to stop it. I just wish it wasn’t happening with Cerberus. Why isn’t the council doing anything? The alliance? Why does no one else seem to care about what’s happening to these colonies?_

“I can’t do this” Olivia stepped away from the screen. Everything she wrote made sense. It was all she knew at this point, but it didn’t seem like enough. He wouldn’t buy it. She feels like she should know more, but she doesn’t. and she probably never will. Maybe she’ll try again, when- _if_ \- she finds out any more. 

 

#2: pre-horizon

_Being on missions like this makes me miss you even more. It’s weird doing them without you. Garrus is here, so it’s not as lonely, but, I still wish you were here. I know you’d never, because it’s Cerberus. But I promise, I’m not with them, I’m doing it solely to help the people, to stop the collectors. After this, I want nothing to do with them._

_I wanted to see you, to talk to you, but when I asked Anderson about you, he wouldn’t tell me anything. I know you’re out there somewhere, and I hope you’re safe, happy. I hope you’re okay. I really do._

She stopped typing and sighed. “I’m never going to get this right.” 

 

#3: post-horizon (before his e-mail)

seeing him absolutely broke her heart. she never expected to see him. why would she? they were out in terminus space, and the alliance is never there. but there he was, standing right in front of her. those few seconds of being in his arms made her realize how much she truly missed him. anger was all that was felt after that. he was angry because she was with Cerberus and she was angry because he just wouldn’t listen to her. she just let him yell, because that’s exactly how she was used to fighting with people. they would yell at her, and then storm off. and that was exactly what happened. one thing that surprised her, though: he told her to be careful, that was the last thing he said to her. that was the only thing he meant. all the yelling, that was just the anger, all of it was in the moment. but he wanted her to be safe. if only he knew there was little chance she’d come back.

she tried to write, tried to get her feelings into words, but this was all she could manage:

_I know you’re angry and probably don’t want to hear from me but I’m sorry we had to meet like that. I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m working for Cerberus. I’m sorry I didn’t try to contact you. Trust me, it was a lot harder than you’d expect. I tried over and over again and I just couldn’t put the right words together. I didn’t know what to tell you. I didn’t know how to tell you._

She wiped the tears from her eyes, and gave up writing. _He doesn’t want to hear from me so why even bother?_

 

#4: post horizon (after his e-mail)

_I don’t hold anything you said against you, Kaidan. Most of it was spur of the moment, and I know that. It wasn’t the first time i lied to you, but it wasn’t… it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to tell you, but I.. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. And now I’m going to suffer for it, and so are you, I’m sorry._

_You should move on with your life… move on from me. You deserve that much. don’t wait for me. Please. I don’t.. I don’t even know if I’ll survive this, and it would kill me to know that you lost me again._

_And don’t worry, trusting Cerberus was never part of the plan._

She rubbed her eyes and let out a small cry. this isn’t how she wanted things to turn out. but he still cares. He should get an answer from her, but she just can’t… nothing sounds right. She reads it over and over until it doesn’t even sound like English anymore.

 

#5: pre-suicide mission

_This is probably the last thing I’ll ever write to you, Kaidan. We’re going to take down the collectors, even if we go down with them. and I.. I wanted to tell you that I love you, no matter what._

She froze. There it was. The words she never thought she’d say again. It was easier to type them than to say them out loud, and she knew that. But did she even mean it? Did she love Kaidan, or the man he was two years ago? If they were to rekindle, would she still love him? Kike he said, he’s not the same person he was then, but could she grow to love that man, too, if she survived this mission? 

She pushed passed that thought and kept writing. 

_I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I woke up in that Cerberus station. I miss you so much, but I hope your life is a lot better without me. I hope you met someone who makes you the happiest man in the world. I hope you never see me again. I hope you move on and have a somewhat… normal life. As normal as a life could be as an alliance soldier. Please forget about me._

She glanced over at the picture of him on her desk and she started to cry. “I really hope horizon wasn’t the last time I’ll see you.”

 

#6: post suicide mission

_I’m somehow still alive, not that anyone in the crew is surprised. Me, however, I’m shocked. I didn’t think we’d make it. I didn’t think we’d actually stop the collectors. Though, I didn’t think we’d stop Saren neither._

_I don’t know why I keep writing these, I know I’ll never send them. Maybe one time I’ll find the courage to? I know I won’t, but… Part of me hopes I will._

_I wish you the best, Kaidan._

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” she walked away. “Why aren’t I better with words? Why can’t i just write a stupid e-mail to someone?” 

 

#7:

It had been a few days since they had gotten rid of the collectors for good. Olivia knew they were on their way toward bringing people back, and then finally her and joker were turning themselves into the alliance. She wasn’t ready for it. The last place she wanted to be was on Earth. Too many bad childhood memories flood her head when she’s there, but she knew they had to do this. This was the only way to somewhat right the wrong of working with Cerberus.

She sat at her desk and blankly stared at the screen. part of her wanted to tell Kaidan, let him know she was alive, at least. She owed him that much. but another part of her didn’t. She wanted him to move on. She wanted him to be happy without her, because he deserved it. He deserved the world, and she could never give it to him.

She shook her head. “no, I need to do this,” she told herself and started typing.

_Kaidan,_

_I know it’s been awhile since you sent your e-mail, but I just wanted to tell you that I survived the mission with Cerberus. I’m handing myself over to the alliance and I know they’ll ground me, most likely for real this time and I’ll have no way of getting out of it again. It’ll be nice to have some shore leave though, even if it’s not really by choice. Not that Vancouver is exactly where I want to be, but hey, it’s better than nothing._

_I know I'm probably the last person you’d want to hear from but I.. I hope we get to talk again. You were the only person I had, and i don’t want to lose you again. These were a rough few months without you, and I want you back in my life, whatever that may mean. If we run into each other in Vancouver, please give me a chance. I can explain everything, I promise._

_I… I hope you’re doing well. Be careful out there._

_-Olivia_

She took a deep breath, and pressed the send button.


End file.
